:: The Adorable Cookie Monster ::

I am sooo exhausted. Never have I studied for a paper like that in my life.. cramming up 16 chapters in mere hours was… hell. I have got to tell myself never EVER to do that again! That was horrid.. I was exhausted.. My brain was sooo tired from all the memorizing (which didn’t help much.. as half of what i DID memorize was quite useless in fact!)

i came out from the exam hall muttering "crap! crap! crap!" and went to my module to look up answers that I didn’t even know existed IN the module in the first place! I know I have changed a lot as a student but maybe my change just isn’t enough kot to suit my goals. haha.. goals..

Who knew I’d be rambling about how I might not be getting an A for this paper? Passing is a sure thing though.. however, I think i’m done with those days being the person who would settle to just pass.

I feel a little disappointed in myself kot today. I had a few people try to console me by telling me that it is okay.. that there’s another paper to focus on, to go do my best for that one.

*urgh* I should have gotten an A for this paper.. I should have came out of that hall feeling all high and mighty.. but instead, i came out feeling glum..

I had my rice today.. and I slept after my paper, thinking that I’d feel better.. but the minute I woke up, I started feeling all glum again. Time to fine-tune my head.. one more paper to go.

Woohoo.. *roll eyes*

…another piece backs away..

Best friends are awesome.

They know how much you wanted to go to JM’s concert.. (cos they know you so well, that you’d NEVER let a concert like this pass without a valid reason..)

So, how do they try to make you feel better? They call you when he starts singing your favorite song… Thanks darling. I really appreciate it.. lots. *muahz*

Watched the Amazing Race Asia tonight (to console me from my misery).. as much as I’m not fond of Henry-Terri and Edwin-Monica.. I can’t stand the latter more.. Especially during the Detour.. bike assembly. Edwin was going all foul-mouthed the whole time.. and bossing monica around.. I mean, it’s not like he’s "that great" to begin with.. the one that pissed me off was when he told off his gf by saying that she’s quite useless at that point.. (can’t remember the exact words but it was also quite similar to what my best friend’s boyfriend said to her, not too long ago..)

Yes, you’re in a race.. yes, you wanna be quick and stay in the race.. but being rude to your partner is really uncalled for.. esp if that partner is someone you’re intimate with.. Gosh, if I was monica.. after getting eliminated, I would definitely eliminate edwin from my life as well.. (theoretically laa.. i never put it to practice though!)

I was never in the best of relationships.. my friends would question me time and time again why i put up with the crap i put up with.. i used to tell them.. relax.. i’ll swallow it til i can’t swallow anymore.. then i’ll walk..

I never really walked though.. i got dumped instead.. haha.. but I know I would have swallowed more crap if we were still together.. apparently my patience knows no limit when in crappy relationships.. funny huh? So, maybe the dumping was a good idea after all.. well, if i wasn’t dumped.. then I wouldn’t have found you.

A classmate sent me this text message, three days ago.. "I am happy if i can be 70% of you, my role model, good luck!"

Role model? Me?

It’s been three days and I’m still unable to absorb her kind, undeserving words.. a role model.. me?

I’ve been slacking off these last few days… sleeping a tad too much and just unable to focus. even now, in my last 13 hours, i’m blogging.. something I know I wouldn’t do if I were really "role model material".. somehow, her words sounded like an expectation.. an expectation that i was scared i might not be able to meet.

What if I don’t get 4.0 again this term? Would that mean that I’m not as smart as I thought I was? or would it mean that I didn’t put in as much effort as I should have, when I could have? Frankly, I’m a little scared.. I’ve done quite well in assignments and term tests.. and even on my first paper.. but it’s these last two papers that I worry most about.

I’m so scared i will screw up. I have no room to screw up. I can’t screw up. Another ex-study groupie of mine sent me this text.. "You tu dari sem lepas macam ni.. tapi pastu, score. Anxiety order kalau tak silap la masa kita belajar sama dulu."

tapi pastu, score? haha… how i wish i was always, always this person. doesn’t mean that by doing great the first time, i will always be doing great.. like all the time.. I was never a straight A student. I’ve taken a lot of things lightly all my life..

…and tonight, i feel pressured.

Great.

Oh, James (Morrison)… how i wish i was there tonight to hear you sing. I didn’t think that it would bother me this much that I wasn’t going.. but apparently it does bother me.. a lot.

I can’t believe that i’m missing your concert tonight.. and I guess I have to stop brooding over it cos what’s the point? I’m at home and you’re like… there.

I feel extremely sad tonight.. How I miss having someone who would love to do things that I like, with me, right now.. and geez, who would have thought i’d be crying over james morrison’s concert.. *shakes head in disbelief*

You’ll be playing on my pc tonight.. I think the loneliness is taking over my emotions laa.. The Loneliness (Babyface).. hah.. that’s ONE song I should AVOID tonight.. lest, I wanna fuck the exams and end up crying the whole freakin’ night.. *sighs*

For every piece of me that wants you.. Another piece backs away…

I know that you will never read this..
Which is probably good.

Happy Birthday.. and travel home safe tomorrow.

So, I got back my train of thoughts today.. here goes.. Communication can be a bitch sometimes. *arrrggghhhhh*…

Sometimes we take the art of text messaging for granted. I’ve always been a phone person cos I hate waiting on replies.. but there were points in my life where I realised that text messaging is convenient and necessary, especially when you’re in the midst of trying to get to know someone. Calling sometimes is a bit too much. Text messaging is convenient as people can reply when they’re free. but.. you’d also have to master the art of patience if

a) they take ages to reply.

b) they’re soooo not into text messaging.

When i got to know this person I really like, I took for granted that everyone text messages these days. That was my fault, for assuming. Now, I know that to this certain someone, text messaging is usually an important question, or a statement.. but never an ongoing conversation.

So, upon dealing with the hassles of the early bit of a relationship (or dating or anything similar to it).. figuring out whether it’s okay to call or whether you should be the one to call first or if you should wait for the other person to call you instead.. this high-tech IT savvy world just has to add-on these other traumas by adding text messaging and emailing to our dilemma.

The point of adding text messaging and emailing, i reckon, was to improve levels of communication.. to keep up with the speed in our lives where everyone seems to be on-the-go a lot. It is supposed to allow us to get the message across effectively.. and they even added the feature of delivery reports so that we’d KNOW that they DID receive your text.. should it drive you nuts, did they get it? did they not? did it get lost in tele-space? OMG! maybe, just maybe i should send it AGAIN.. you know.. just in case.

*shakes head*..

Delivery reports man.. at least you know they got it. If they choose not to reply to it immediately, then maybe you can go a little loony.. I know I do sometimes.. haha…

Text messaging and emailing has got to be the biggest barriers when it comes to communicating effectively with your possible partner. You would have thought that having these advantages to our so-called communication would simplify our lives… haha.. sureee.. the reality of things is that it has led to breakdowns of exchange.. left too open to interpretation or translation. Even so, text messaging has superseded phone calls as the most common form of mobile phone communication.

Sometimes it is so much easier to send text messages, in my case, ultra long ones cos I hate to express myself via phone or face-to-face especially when I have a lot to say & I know I might choke on words. Sometimes you’re scared of rejection or scared that the person might not actually be listening to you.. sometimes it’s easier to just send something without engaging in an actual conversation..

Text messaging itself can be misconstrued.. and boy have I learned that well in these past few days.. there is no tone by which humour can be expressed.. no emphasis which could indicate annoyance.. yet so many texts can be read as such. On a normal day, a playful "whatever" would be viewed as funny.. on a day that is not going so great, you’d probably be taken aback and view it as "what the hell??"

Oh, while I’m on this subject.. another favorite would be the text messaging under the influence of alcohol.. there’s even a specific name for it.. intexticating.. haha… This is almost as damaging as drunk dialing.. so, if you’re prone to drunk dial, for the love of your pride.. delete those people from your phone book.. it’s a bit of work for you to drunk dial a string of numbers by memory instead.. and IF luck is on your side, you might, just might send what could be your pride-going-down-the-toilet-bowl to a wrong number.. Thank your lucky stars if that does happen.

There’s also email etiquette. I hate abbreviations unless you use those commonly accepted ones.. other than those that are widely understood, I’d appreciate it if people didn’t butcher their text messages OR emails as it sometimes takes me longer to understand what the hell the person is trying to say in the first place. What cost you 10-15 cents now costs me more than a buck, cos i need to call you up to say i didn’t understand your text message. if it was via email, it would be easier (and free) to just tell the person off though.

Whoever thought that only between men and women, they have always found it difficult to keep the lines of communication open. That’s not true. It doesn’t get any easier between the same gender too. The added technology of text messaging and emailing has made it more complicated.

Oh, don’t even start on Caller ID. Whoever thought it would be a good idea to invent that? If she doesn’t pick up, does that mean she’s busy? or still mad at me? or uninterested to speak to me? or ignoring me?

Two to three hours later you’re going INSANE.. like seriously insane, asking yourself WHY THE HELL HASN’T SHE CALLED BACK?!! (of course among other cronic questions you have running through your mind at the time…)

I say, make a phone call.. to a line without Caller ID. haha..

My favorite drink other than coffee is Gatorade. I think some people might have already known that if they read past bulletins I posted up during my Friendster Q&A sessions..

Well, Dr. Robert Cade, who invented Gatorade died yesterday of kidney failure. He was 80. I think Gatorade is a brilliant drink. I just had one 2 nights ago upon my attempt to study at 7-11. (Do not ask me why I tried to study at 7-11)..

Anyway, thank you Dr. Cade for coming up with the best sports drink ever.. Gatorade is like "totally awesome", even on days when I’m not doing the whole sporting bit..

I’m gonna have one later today in your honor.

Rest in Peace, dude.

My poor head is throbbing. I have been trying hard not to let the runny nose and the continuous sneezing to bug me but the throbbing head is a tad too much for me right now. I can feel my system weakening and that’s not good at all. I need the time today.

I wanted to blog about communication today.. but my head is throbbing really, really bad.. i don’t think my brain is up for reconstructing sentences. Malam-malam sikit kot.

We’ll see.

I have this huge knot in my chest right now. Aku rase sesak dada gile cos aku miss dia tremendously right now. -aku rasa ni gak but aku dah x tahan aku nangis

A very close friend of mine sent me this text this afternoon, while I was trying to sleep off my misery. The first part of the text is the text that i originally sent her 2-3 days ago.. she sent back my own text to me today and added a line of her own to it.. cos she was feeling the exact feeling i was feeling about a certain someone. *sighs*.. somehow these people will never know the actual affect they have on us.. no matter all the words in an Oxford dictionary put together.. it is still inefficient and inaccurate in explaining how a huge knot in the chest feels like, when you’re tremendously missing a person.

I questioned my friend, why was she letting go of something / someone she wants sooo bad sooo easily? It upset me a great deal actually.. I told my friend.. "If the person is worth it, one would fight to be with that person. Regardless."

She replied saying that "hmm the feeling should be mutual kan?" and also gave me that ridiculously cliche line of "if you love someone, let them go.. if that person doesn’t come back to you, then it was never meant to be"…

ooh.. that was a BAD LINE to throw me.. because I don’t agree with that line.. AT ALL.

Okay.. firstly, about "the feeling should be mutual" bit… Individuals work differently. That is why they are called individuals. They have a mind of their own and it works differently than how we would approach a certain matter. There’s also the factor of thinking with your heart and thinking with your mind.. (another friend made me discuss this with her a few weeks ago.. i might blog about it one day).. Keeping it simple, generally, thinking with your mind is based on reason, facts and logic. It’s usually straightforward. Only black or white, yes or no answers. You wanna do something wrong, you think with your mind and it generates this "Emm.. this is wrong. Don’t do it. Full stop." and the matter is dropped. When you think with your heart.. all sorts of grey areas are touched. You do think with reason, facts AND logic as well… however all these are also followed by a justification on WHY you think you should do / not do something.. and usually when you think with your heart, it usually has something to do with love cos love is the ultimate reason why people do crazy, stupid, foolish things..

So why people don’t necessarily have "mutual feelings" to fight for something could be based on those heart / mind thinking factors.. They find reasons to justify their reasons for having a reason about something in the first place!

*sighs*

Which brings me to the second part.. the part i feel soooo strongly against. "if you love someone, let them go.. if that person doesn’t come back to you, then it was never meant to be".. haha forgive me for saying this, in case anyone termakan cabai.. (hit a nerve).. but a person who just lets another person go, without a fight is really stupid.

Being the optimist that I am.. Nothing is impossible. If you want something or someone real bad, you can obtain em with the right strategies applied. It’s just a case of how bad do you want that something and how far are you willing to go for it. You know how people say, "Jodoh ditangan Tuhan"..? (fate is in God’s hands) well, I believe that if you don’t work for it, jodoh is not gonna drop down from the sky for you.. and lets just say, even IF it does.. it may not have been the very best that you could have had anyways.. same thing goes for "kita bertawakal je laa" (to leave the rest of the fate to God).. I think that is WRONG. one should only bertawakal only after working hard for something, doing the best that they could possibly do to obtain whatever it is that they want THEN they are entitled to bertawakal.

You want an A for a paper which you don’t study for at all. You sit for the exam thinking you’re a freaking genius (which you’re not) and you simply say.. oh, bertawakal je laa.. if you were aiming for an F, you most likely would achieve it.

You want to date a girl sitting across the room that you think is freaking amazing.. you don’t introduce yourself. heck, you do nothing and by the end of the night, she still probably doesn’t know that you exist. "Jodoh ditangan Tuhan"..? pleaseeee…. if you mustered up the courage to talk to her, to get her number, to call her up time and time again after that first meeting.. at that point, you can probably leave it to fate cos you did try all sorts of things leading to a possible date. Only then you can say, if it happens, it happens.

So, my dear friend.. your case is something rectifiable.. but only if you guys choose to stop being stubborn, stupid and egotistical.. then you might be able to find an actual solution.

In my case, I am fighting a losing battle. No matter how amazing and fantastic I may appear to be, I still can’t win.. or maybe I can’t win, just yet. Even in my position I find that I’m still fighting for what I want.. maybe it’s indirectly but I’m still fighting for it, one way or the other.

So.. how do you win a losing battle? haha… trust me to come up with strategies.. (of course I have strategies..) When the odds are against you.. there isn’t much you can do. You are likely to lose but just by being on the losing side, you have certain strategic advantages that might make all the difference.

I’m only gonna mention one.. cos laying all my strategies ain’t really smart either.. haha… don’t be afraid to leave things as it is for a while if you don’t have a good way out. Patiently wait for an opportunity to rise. (i guess this is where the whole patience is a virtue comes in).. when your destruction is pending.. secure equilibrium in the confrontation and you’ll still be in the race.. any changes that follows are more likely than not to be in your favor.

…and IF my strategies do fail me, at least I tried.. and at least I thought it was worth fighting for. No regrets.

Grouchy.

Tonight I feel grouchy.

Just grouchy.

I even have my Oscar The Grouch boxers on tonight, just to prove a point that I feel grouchy.

Why am I grouchy? I’m not too sure why.

Maybe I do know why.. but I don’t know why I should be grouchy.

I’ve not had my breathing attacks in a while now.. I had one though earlier in the day.. and as usual, I always never have the inhaler when I need it.. so, I had to just calm myself down, slowly.

There’s been this huge knot in my chest since morning. It was a sense of missing. A terrible sense of missing, actually. The feeling was too immense and I could feel my heart aching like crazy.. just consumed with thoughts that I was terribly missing someone.

The knot in my chest did take a few hours to calm itself down.. and I felt better for a bit.. then my mood changed from missing to grouchy. I hate it when I have mood swings..

My train of thoughts have abruptly stopped.. I feel miserable, crappy and grouchy. I guess that’s the only point that i’m trying to make tonight.

but… what’s the point? heh..

Someone from a neighboring country sent me a message today.. saying that i express myself pretty well and anybody can relate to how i feel at that particular moment.

If you’re reading.. Salamat!

I had a fantastic day today. Unproductive work-wise but fulfilling all the same. My day was priceless.

My stomach churns at the idea of weird food. *urgh* heck, i don’t even eat paru (fried cow lungs), limpa (liver) or chicken gizzards (hati).. gulai tunjang (beef tendons in mild spiced curry) …or any spare parts for that matter!.. I don’t even eat fried puyuh, duck or mutton curry, k.. yes, i know.. i’m boring (so i’ve been told) i am adventurous.. just not when it comes to the stuff I eat. All the more reasons why I shouldn’t have a Kelantanese or half-Kelantanese partner as Kelantanese are well-known for utilising the spare parts into all sorts of food. The funny thing is, out of both relationships I was in.. both of them were half-Kelantanese… ha ha ha… *roll eyes*

Which brings me to this.. I watched the Amazing Race Asia tonight.. they had to eat 8 balut eggs?! Duck embryo with feathers popping out and the crunchy beak? *shivers* I would have done it but probably my stomach wouldn’t have survived it. I swear it wouldn’t!! but I found one incident entertaining.. (i think it was Edwin & Monica) in the cab, the guy was expressing how he had eaten 5 balut eggs and his gf looked at him and said, "Why did you eat 5?!! I ate 4." the guy’s face was unable to draw up an expression.. hahaha… it was fucking priceless.

Ended my night with my all-time favorite movie, Gladiator.. it was shown for the millionth time.. and i’ve watched it for the millionth time as well.. I think I may have quoted the movie in one of my past blogs.. it’s okay.. for Gladiator.. I’d gladly quote you again..

Commodus: What is your name, gladiator?

Maximus: Gladiator.

[Maximus turns away..]

Commodus: How dare you turn your back to me.. Tell me your name!

[Maximus slowly turns and removes his helmet...]

Maximus: My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius.. Commander of the Armies of the North.. General of the Felix Legions.. loyal servant to the true emperor.. Marcus Aurelius.. father to a murdered son.. husband to a murdered wife… and I will have my vengeance.. in this life or the next…

oh, here’s another few favorites of mine..

Maximus: I once knew a man who said "Death smiles at us all.. All a man can do is smile back."

Commodus: I wonder.. did your friend smile at his own death?

Maximus: You must know.. He was your father.

[Maximus looks at images of his wife and son..]

Juba: Can they hear you?

Maximus: Who?

Juba: Your family.. In the afterlife.

Maximus: Oh yes.

Juba: What do you say to them?

Maximus: To my son.. I tell him I will see him again soon.. To keep his heels down while riding his horse.. To my wife… that is not your business.

Lucilla: My brother hates all the world and you most of all.

Maximus: Because your father chose me.

Lucilla: No..because my father loved you…and because I loved you.

Speaking of love.. love hurts when you’re together, love hurts when you’re apart. It’s hard living a life where you have to live day-to-day and things are a big mystery.. the surprises life has to offer can be overwhelming and heartbreaking. i don’t know why i’m holding on to someone who’s unavailable.. maybe it’s because deep down i hope for things to change.. maybe i’m just too optimistic and full of faith that one day, things will be different. or maybe i’m just foolish?