Archive for January, 2007

:: Occasions, Smoccasions ::

Monday, January 15th, 2007

Have been talking with a few people lately & boy has it been really depressing. My best friend and I will turn 27, well, just around the corner & even though in different situations but somehow, we’re still in the same boat.

What we have is unclear or rather undefined and what we want seems unattainable. I don’t really know if the right word is "unattainable" ..it just seems that what we want, is not what we’re gonna get… well, at least in this near future (& i speak for myself on this last bit).

Pushing 27, I’m still rather alone.. The days I’m living doesn’t coincide with my hopes or dreams & it certainly isn’t even close to what I want.

My cousin’s boyfriend asked me "So, what are your plans for your Birthday?" ahh sedeynya!! if pushed a little, i might have broke down kot cos this is one of the most sensitive topics for me.

Pushing 27, you don’t even know if you’ll have plans on your Birthday. You don’t know if you’ll be spending it with The One you love or if your friends will come up with something.. but the scariest of them all would be.. that you end up spending The Day alone..

Birthdays, Valentine’s, Anniversaries & all the other special occasions used to be special to me cos I was with someone who learned to appreciate these events that I consider important, so dia ni pun take the pain to consider it important too.

I miss having someone who understands me & how my mind works. Who understands how the little things matter to me like cards, notes & such. How "just because" would be the best pick-me-up ever.

It’s been eons ago but back then when we were together, my ex would look forward to planning my Bday dinner & that Bday gift.. segala magazines about restaurants will be in stock on the study table & in the car (reading material while waiting for me to finish class) & not forgetting how dia akan tarik Meeda to every mall to find me the perfect gift.

Dia ni dah la the mere "perfectionist" which was my perfect match as I like things to go according to plan as well.

Sometimes you might not be "that kind of person".. not the Hallmark kind or the "sappy-romantic" either.. but I guess it doesn’t hurt to be one, once in a while.

17 days to go…. *sighs*

:: Insensitive ::

Wednesday, January 10th, 2007

I never knew how insensitive people can be… that is until terkena kat diri sendiri la kan.

Sometimes you have way too much on your plate already and you’re too overwhelmed dealing with it.. and when you think that things can’t get any worse than it already is.. it can. believe me, it can.

People enjoy being around people during the happy times.. time senang je! Then one day your world crumbles right before your very eyes.. Where are they? You’d at least hope that they’d be sensitive enough to ask if you’re ok, if you can cope with what’s happening… but no! They dump another ton of bricks on your head, throwing you the most insensitive lines. Then you sit and stare into space. Cos there’s really not much that you’re able to do at that point, and you think to yourself.. THIS is what you sacrificed everything for? THIS is what you get in return for every single fucking thing that you’ve done?

Karma’s a bitch.. & it has a lifetime to come around.

:: Changes ::

Tuesday, January 9th, 2007

Hmm… Susah gile trying to blog not using lyrics!! Somehow I can hear Adrea going *phew! finally!!* (not forgetting the rolling eyes) hahaha….

The last few days haven’t been easy. Going thru a lot of both wanted & unwanted changes.. so, at time of writing, kepala gue bagaikan dilanyak lori. I have so much on my mind & my mood fluctuates but lately it’s been rather constant. It’s been more teary than ever.

Maybe it’s the medication I’m on… but thank God for friends & the most caring brother ever. Even at the lowest point of my day, he’d be the one ever-ready to give me that most needed hug & kiss.. and as the cherry on top, that one-liner from my Macai will somehow crack me up.

As for now, still feeling quite empty & lost. Hopefully a good workload will keep me occupied throughout the day.. & I’ll just have the lonely nights to worry about.

:: The One That Got Away ::

Monday, January 1st, 2007

…I know this is old material but I wanted to start off the New Year with something meaningful.. and this piece is one of my favs.

An old friend of mine forwarded this piece to me. It’s funny cause I used to tell my other half that at the end of the day, my other half will realize that I am my other half’s "Greatest’s Love". Upon reading the article, I just found myself thinking of my other half even more.

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, and the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with, and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with whom everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose. I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter whom you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequential become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest stars of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will. So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, "What if they were here today?"

You’ll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?"

That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" question you’ll have in your life. If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one that will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s all right. It’s never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens. Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married, in which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple… Find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got that one. Ask him out for coffee; ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away." You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away."

With this, in reference to the above.. So babe, am I "the one that got away" or am I "the one that almost got away"?